Your Honor, on behalf of the accused, I want to begin by stating for the record that my client, God, most emphatically pleads NOT GUILTY. God has many strong community ties, is a pivotal member of all the churches, temples, and mosques, has never been accused of anything that has been upheld in a Court of Cosmos, and is not a threat to the community. Today in the courtroom, Mary, mother of God, as well as a host of His…well, a Host, (points to a loaf of bread and a cup of wine) are here in the courtroom to support Him. I would ask that He be released on His own recognizance. In the alternative, I ask that he be allowed to post a nominal amount of bail and be allowed to return to His home.
Your Honor, the accused, God, stands before you accused of a conspiring to commit atrocious crimes. In fact, His record is far from unblemished, and while the Court of Cosmos has never convicted him, it is common knowledge that he was responsible for the Dark Ages, the Spanish Inquisition, as well as a host of other terrible acts, and was complicit in the enslavement, plunder, war, and conquest of people throughout the world, all done in His name. He is here today to answer for the crime of conspiracy to commit every criminal act on the books. He presents a terrible threat to the community, and we seek Remand.
The past has not been proved in the court of Cosmos. Can someone please hand up the original charge? Any objection, Counselor?
Yes, Your Honor. The elements of the charge are void for vagueness. For instance, “free will paradox” is language that is too vague to be proved or defended against. “Throwing Satan out of Heaven” while it is not so vague, is commonly understood to be a just punishment which God meted out to Satan, for Crimes Against Himself. Finally, Original Sin is properly laid at the door of Adam and Eve, who are not even being charged. At this juncture, I would ask the Court to dismiss the charges, and let my Client free.
These charges, Your Honor, are not vague. It is funny that Jesus asks to admit ‘commonly understood notions” when it is commonly understood that Free Will is a paradox. We seek to show in due course that God cannot be Good All the Time, as he claims, AND grant Humankind free will, thus leaving open the possibility that Humankind would act badly towards one another. It’s a very sneaky catch-22. ‘I give you Freedom!’ really means, ‘I give you Pain!’ But I am Good all the Time.
Furthermore, throwing Satan out of heaven, is the result of God the Creator Creating a Prideful, Beautiful Angel, and then punishing His Creation for being exactly what he (that is, I) was meant to be!
Finally, Original Sin, similarly, was the result of God giving Eve a sense of curiosity and a disobedient streak, and Adam a sense of sneakiness, defiance, and low self-esteem, setting him up for following Eve’s lead. I do not seek to charge God for the crimes which the World is charged with, merely for conspiracy. For that, I believe the instrument is sufficient and facially valid.
The instrument is valid on its face. On the other hand, I do not see that God presents a significant threat to humankind until these charges are proved, therefore I’m setting bail at death and taxes.
(a groan from Jesus and the courtroom)
It’s the bare minimum! Everyone who posts bail is expected to pony up at least that. Of course, when God pays the 10% bond requested, he can go Home. He can even charge it to Purgatory. We’ll return in two weeks.